Technology - the thrills and chills of it all.

Back to some dating topics.

The other night I was having a conversation with a few friends about relationships and the topic of communication in the age of technology came up.  One of my friends was talking about the end of his last relationship and how the major issue was over reliance on technology.

Apparently his ex-girlfriend would get very upset if he didn't respond immediately to her texts during the day and she also fully expected to have a full day's worth of conversation via texts.  My friend, on the other hand, is a fan of face time and the push to rely on technology as the main source of communication by his lady contributed to the end of their relationship.  They couldn’t see eye to eye on the issue.  Even though technology allowed for more frequent communication, it wasn’t quality communication.

So, why are we so dependent on technology?  Emails, chats, facebook, texting…What has happened to the good old fashioned face-to-face chat?

It never ceases to amaze me just how lost I feel if I forget my phone at home for a day.  I feel disconnected, like a piece of me is missing.  However, when out on a long bike ride, camping in the mountains or traveling to another country, I don't miss it for one second.  I revel in the joy of not hearing it ring or having to respond to a message.  In fact, one of my favorite memories of a recent trip to Spain was sitting at a table with my 3 traveling companions, having an uninterrupted conversation where we were all completely engaged in each person's story.

I admit, there are times when technology is a necessary luxury (yes, that’s an oxymoron) - when you're lost in a new city and need to get to an interview, those little navigational apps are life-savers!  Or, you've just witnessed a student in your classroom pick his nose, study the new found treasure carefully and then eat it - you must update your Facebook status (true story)!  Those are definitely times when you want that connectivity.  However, what about the times when you need to just breathe; you just need to disconnect from EVERYONE?  Yet, there you are, checking your phone for messages, catching up on the Tweets or Facebook stalking that new boy in your office when you should be looking your friend in the eye and listening to the story that’s being told.  That's when technology can make you want to drown it in a freshly made mojito (another true story!) – if only for the excuse of not connecting!

My biggest issue with technology is how it has seemingly numbed our basic manners.  I know most people my age grew up learning to say "Excuse me." when interrupting a conversation or at least to wait for a pause.  We were also taught to actually listen to others and ask questions rather than interrupt and interject our own stories, drawing attention away from the person and on to ourselves.  My mother, who is a very wise woman, always reminds me that people love to talk about themselves and you can get (most) anyone to talk and open up simply by asking questions.  When out meeting new people, this is a great tactic.  Unfortunately, many people have forgotten their manners and stop listening because they hear their phone ring or feel the "buzz-buzz" of a text message.  Technology has also influenced our everyday face to face communication - interrupting is not only common place it’s readily accepted!  The days of starting and finishing a story without some bit of technology distracting your audience seem long gone.  I find that more and more, people don't listen, they just wait for you to take a breath so they can jump in.  Or, they simply just start talking about whatever it is they want to with complete disregard to what someone else was already saying.

Where am I going with this?  Let's bring it back to one of the themes of my blog - dating.

Along with the diminishing manners in society, technology has begun to creep into relationships and is causing anxiety and stress where they never existed before.  It is assumed (even expected) that the person you just texted has their phone attached to their hand and is able to get back to you immediately.  It's expected that you share multiple exchanges about mundane events throughout the day which leads to ZERO conversation once in person.  Technology makes people WAY too accessible and that leads to these overly high expectations.  Having these high expectations of instant communication (and instant gratification) often leads to disappointment which might lead to a fight and possibly the end to a relationship.

Texting and chatting are NOT as effective as face time.  No emoticon is going to ever take the place of a smile or any other facial expression.  Typing ((hug)) or *kiss* does not have the same effect of an actual hug or kiss.  If you think back to just a few years ago (before cell phones), communication was mainly face to face - or at least voice to voice.  There were no other options.  Personally, I kinda miss those times.  Some of my friends might laugh at that because I am VERY guilty of relying on texts and even avoiding phone calls despite being completely available.  It's become too accepted these days and I think it's time for a change!

In the spirit of communication, though, you need to make sure that the person on the other end of the line (haha) knows your boundaries.  If you prefer to text rather than talk on the phone, speak up about it but also be willing to adjust.  If you are more of the face-time fan (meaning sitting in person, not video chatting), say so!  Also, don’t assume that you’re going to get an immediate response, have some patience.  Think about all those people who had to use the Pony Express to communicate long distance – they waited for days, even weeks!

Whaddya say?  How about some hugs and genuine face-to-face conversation?

By the way, reading my blog is the exception to all stated above!  Haha!

The climb to the top

Okay, I promised to talk about shirts for guys.  So, here you go!

This is probably the easiest article of clothing for men.  You can wear a black or white t-shirt with a great pair of jeans and you're sexy to us ladies!  However, there are times when you need something a little more...fashionable.

**Please note, wearing a grungy t-shirt on a first date is a BIG turn-off.  So are dirty jeans.  I may have had an experience like this recently...Suffice it to say I didn't accept date #2.

Here's where the choices come in.  Shirts are where you can really personalize your style.  There are a variety of styles to choose from and you have lots of options for various occasions.  Let's look at the current fashion trends.

First, there's the classic button down.  I say 'classic' because there are several variations in this style alone.  One style is the semi-formal button down which is about as close to your suit dress shirt as you can get.  In fact, you may even wear it with your suit pants.  These shirts, when worn with those great jeans we talked about, can dress you up enough to attend a show at the theater (not movie theater), dinner at a fancy restaurant or even meeting the parents! 

Here are some examples:

The good news is that you probably already own a few of these shirts and now you've found a new use for them besides being professionally fashionable!  Just make sure you've read the blog about shoes because that will make this outfit complete.  Also, just because the shirt is untucked doesn't mean you can go without a belt.  Just a little FYI.  Personally, I prefer to see the shirt tucked in with a great belt so I can view your ass...ets!

Another popular style of shirt is the casual button down/snap front.  These come in a wide variety of styles and patterns as well but are a little more laid back than the classic button down.  Wearing a casual button down to the bar or a casual dinner is a good choice.  It's also a great idea for a first date - no matter where you go.  A good idea is to layer a t-shirt underneath - it helps with those first date issues like sweaty pits!

Here are a couple examples of the casual button down/snap front:

If button-downs are not your style of choice, you're in luck!  There are still many more styles of shirts to choose from.  For example, the classic golf shirt, or polo shirt.  These shirts have stood the test of time in the fashion world and, thankfully, have had some adjustments to keep them fashion forward.

You could go with your basic solid color polo:

The long sleeve style is always a good cold weather choice!

A striped polo is also an option.  Choose your colors wisely, though.  Not every guy can pull off pink.

Even though, as I write this, we're heading towards summer.  I want to address your cold weather options too.  First, a crew neck sweater works for just about any guy.  

This has a little extra style that always helps to catch a lady's eye.

 Pair the crew neck sweater with your "Good Idea Jeans" and you've got a great mid-winter style.

The next option is a bit iffy in my opinion.  The Turtleneck Sweater.  As you can see, Hugh Jackman can pull it off wonderfully...

However, this isn't really a free-for-all option.  If you don't have that 'come hither' look in your eye at least 90% of the time, I would stick with the crew neck sweater.  That is, unless you're hanging out at the ski lodge.  Then anything goes!

Finally, the t-shirt.  You men have it so easy!  You can just throw one on (or layer a couple) and you're ready for most anything.  However, there are a few key pointers.  First, when the edges start to fray, holes start appearing or the pit stains resemble coffee spills, do not wear it out in public (unless you're making a run to the home improvement store in the midst of constructing a fabulous shoe rack for your lady).  Second, make sure it is clean and wrinkle free if you're wearing it out in public.  Finally, spend some money and buy t-shirts made of quality material.  No, your Hanes undershirts won't cut it.  Just to show you how sexy this can be, take a look:

Some more pointers: If you're wearing it out for a night on the town, make sure it's a little fitted.  You don't want to be swimming in it but you also don't want it so tight you can barely breathe.

The wild card in this section is the V-neck.  Up until VERY recently, these shirts were reserved for the ultra-metro crew or the boys who play for the other team (and you look FABULOUS!).  Thankfully, designers have now recognized that men don't want to show off cleavage (well, not all men at least) so they've limited the dip of the V.  If you want to venture into this style, just be sure to choose one that doesn't go TOO low.  Otherwise, you may be getting more attention than you bargained for.

See? You have a lot of choices and most stores won't let you get it too wrong when it comes to shirts as they keep up with trends.  Just keep your eyes open and also keep tabs on the life of your shirts.  Investing in an iron wouldn't be a bad idea either!

What do you prefer to wear?  What's your fashion risk?

In order to feel and appreciate the good, we must know the bad...

I have sat on this particular post for about a long time now.  I've decided that since this blog is about dating as well as fashion advice, I'd better talk about my own dating experiences.  So, here goes...Just an FYI, this is a bit 'unfiltered'.

I'll paraphrase an oldie but goodie song - It's my blog and I'll say what I want to!

Valentine's Day.  A holiday that isn't REALLY a holiday but, despite my best efforts, still comes at me with both fists swinging.  Boxes of candy graced my desk, all sorts of hues of reds and pinks passed by my eyes today, an influx of engagements and birth announcements occupied my Facebook page...it's a day of love.  It's a time of bliss...for many.  

I admit, I am not a fan of this (holi)day.  I find it crazy that we need to designate a day to express our love for one another.  I find it even crazier that we allow people to get away with saying "I love you." on ONE day only each year.  Really?  Just because everyone else is doing it, you do too...but no other time?  That's not right.

You know what else isn't right?  People who try to impose their own dissatisfaction and unhappiness on you.  If you're not happy with who you are and where you are...don't be social.  Don't go out - unless it's for therapy.  But, honestly, on a day like today?  When people are either out celebrating their love or trying to find a glimmer of it...don't bring your "Debbie Downer" attitude.

Guys, I've heard many-a-time from you that women are mean and cruel and will shoot you down with such little consideration you may as well have been non-existent.  However, I am starting to think that this is nothing more than a tall tale from you.  I have loads of single women friends and I have been out with them many times...they are NOTHING but nice to men of all makes and models.  


Take, for example, my friend M.  She kindly gave a gentleman (who clearly wasn't her type, nor did she have any interest in) much of her time on a recent night out.  She listened to his stories and entertained his conversation despite her desires to talk to others (or at least not talk to him).  I'm not saying he was a bad guy...he just wasn't her type.  However, she didn't cut him off outright.  She listened, smiled, laughed and encouraged conversation because she is a genuinely nice person.  Like M, many of my other single lady friends are just as kind and considerate and have done just what M did tonight.  So, when I hear about guys being afraid of women and how mean we can be, I am shocked!  I'm shocked because not one woman I know would behave in such a way.  I'm not saying there aren't women out there who are complete B's and who cut you down without a moment's hesitation.  I AM saying that I do not know ANY of these women...and I know a lot of women!  Therefore, gentlemen, you are somehow finding that rare bad apple in the bunch and making a group decision that is unfair and inaccurate.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the opposite side of the coin, however.  Someone known as - the D Bag (who will now be referred to as The Jerk).  I have had the unfortunate experience of encountering The Jerk, in his various forms, on more than one occasion...and while these encounters have thankfully been few and far between, one experience is more than enough.  


What am I talking about?  Ah, I'm so glad you asked...I will gladly explain.

The Jerk comes in many forms, as I've said.  Sometimes he is sneaky, sometimes he's outright...Either way, though, he still comes out with the same label eventually.  One that screams, "I'm a D Bag."


Let's break it down:

Exhibit A: The Advantage Jerk

This guy knows how to work it!  He keeps in touch with a girl 'just enough' to make her think he's interested so she'll allow his bad behavior to pass.  He manages to make a girl think she needs to 'take care' of him, despite being perfectly capable of taking care of himself.  You want specifics?  Okay...well, for example, the Advantage Jerk shows up at her house empty handed when she's offered to serve him dinner.  He doesn't ever ask her out on an actual date but takes full advantage of her and her hospitality whenever it's convenient for him.  He eats her food, drinks her wine and walks away without so much as a thank you.  He does all this and still doesn't even send her a simple, "Happy Valentine's Day" text or email.

Exhibit B: The "I'm Too Chicken Shit To Do Shit" Jerk

This guy makes a great name for himself in the moment.  He IS the one who will show up with a bottle of wine (that hasn't been asked for), he will cuddle for hours, he seems to want to make it more than a 'hook-up' by introducing her to his family and talking of the future (without her prompting).  Then, he suddenly disappears.  He seems to freak out about the Valentine's Day pressure and doesn't do the simplest thing - which is to send a text to the girl - even though he knows he should.  He also plays it a little TOO cool and ends up letting the girl think he's not all that interested in her (even though he is) because he's afraid of being hurt or getting too close and being vulnerable.  Instead he recoils back into his man cave and seeks comfort in a can of Coors and whatever channels his HD antenna will allow.  Or, he manages to string some poor girl along for months with promises of dates and home-cooked dinners...only to bail at the last minute or even completely ignore her when she attempts to move closer to him.

Exhibit C: The "I'm bitter so I'll just be a jerk"Jerk

I crossed paths with this particular Jerk the other night.  At a singles event, I noticed a certain gentleman.  I was instantly attracted (granted it was purely physical) and was curious.  I spent the better part of the evening working up the nerve to start a conversation with him.  My moment presented itself and I took full advantage.  I initiated conversation, I asked questions, I was genuinely interested....at first.  For about the first 2 minutes the guy seemed nice and full of potential.  Notice I said 2 minutes.  That can seem like an eternity or it can pass in flash.  All of the sudden, this attractive guy became THAT guy.  I was making conversation, asking questions, showing interest... Only to have him respond to my questions with a) no eye contact and b) 1-2 word answers.  Seeing his Jerk potential, I quickly moved on...however, my walking away doesn't mean I wasn't left with a little bit of a wound.  I was hurt mainly because I am NOT a hard person to talk to nor am I a person that is unlikeable.  I find that I can have a conversation with pretty much anyone...except for those who are similar to the aforementioned Jerk...so, yes, it stung a bit when he was so rude to me.

Guys AND Girls, be NICE to people.  I understand that there's a line to draw and that if you need to, do it.  By all means.  Otherwise, what have you got to loose by chatting up someone new?  For all you know they could have that ultimate connection you're looking for for your dream job.  Or, they could be that ultimate connection (romantically speaking of course) for you or your best friend.  All I ask is this: Give them a chance.  I trust you.  You're smart enough to know, rather quickly, whether or not it will work out.  So, say 'hi'.  Give them a few minutes of your genuine time - not just a role play.

The other point I want to make is this:  Guys, even if she says that she doesn't care for or like a lame (holi)day like Valentine's day, you should (at the very least) send her a message saying "Happy Valentine's Day!  Hope you have a great day!"  It will brighten her day more than you can imagine and immediately put a smile on her face.  Especially if you two have taken things to the next level.  If you truly don't care about her enough to do this...then let her know in some way other than ignoring her.  It'll hurt, sure.  It'll make her cry.  But in the end, you'll both be better off.