Let me start by saying:
Chivalry is not dead...I just need to stop making friends with it and make it my boyfriend.
I've heard many times over how women wish men were more chivalrous. Well, ladies, I'm here to tell you that there are men out there who are still VERY chivalrous and that chivalry is not dead. I have been a first hand witness to it and I gotta say, it brought a HUGE smile to my face.
What did he do, you ask? Well, to respect his privacy, let's just say he made a simple, thoughtful, old fashioned gesture that impressed me far more than any bouquet of flowers or other gift I've received.
This impressive act of chivalry came from a very close male friend of mine. While I completely value my friendship with this chivalrous man, I began to wonder about my habit of forming a friendship with the "good guys" and taking a huge step out of the potential girlfriend zone. How does a gal avoid this label of "friend" while keeping things simple and easy so as not to rush things? When do guys stop seeing a girl as girlfriend potential?
I've been catching up on my Cosmo reading lately and there was one article that talked about the differences between men and women. The main (and most obvious) difference is that women are very complicated - men have a hard time understanding this - and men are very simple - with women often making them out to be more complicated than they are. Consciously, I know this and I know my fellow single ladies know this. Yet, we inevitably project our own complicated mess of emotional thoughts on to you and continually misinterpret your words, actions and behaviors. I fear, though, that the simple answer is this: If men want to date you, they will. If they don't they either don't call/pursue you or you become the girl (insert long pause) friend.
This also brings up the topic about men and women being able to just be friends. If the guy doesn't want to date you but you become the friend, does that leave the door open for a reassessment? Who is in charge of making that move then?
So, guys, tell me (and my fellow single ladies), how does a lady avoid falling into the purgatory of a "friend" with a guy she is interested in?
4 comments:
So, what you're really asking here is, "why do I always seem to be 'just friends' with the guys I'd rather be romantically involved with?"
Right?
Well...as with all things relationship, it's complicated.
At the outset, however, I must debase you of the presumption that there is any one cut and dried reason for this phenomenon. There is not. You may as well be asking, "who is God?"; a question that has an intensely personal - and likely different - answer for everyone.
Similarly, the question of "why does dream-guy-du-jour only see me as a friend?" will have different answers for each potential romantic target.
One might not find you attractive enough. Another might be hot after your best friend. Another might be a closet homosexual. Another might still be broken up over the plate throwing and insults that characterized his last relationship. Another might think you're too loud. Another might fear you're too smart.
You may have come on too strong for one, but been too demure for another. You may dress to slutty for one, but not show enough skin for another. You may be too much of a tomboy for one, and too much of a girly-girl for another.
Get the idea?
In the end, I'm afraid your fears are true: If a guy wants to date you, he will. If he doesn't, then you get relegated to either the "friend pile" or the "do not call list". Harsh? Possibly. But true.
So...
How do you avoid the "friend" purgatory in the first place?
In short, you don't.
At least, you shouldn't try to. If you do, you'll only come across as fake or desperate. And once a guy realizes you're either fake or desperate, he won't respect you.
(He'll still bang you, and may pretend to respect you in order to keep banging you, but believe me, he won't respect you...)
Of course, since respect is really the foundation of a healthy relationship, starting things off with a healthy dose of disrespect is a recipe for dating disaster.
The above said, there's nothing wrong with making your intentions clear to a potential mate...which leads me to your other question: Once friendship has been established, is the door for more open?
The answer is: Possibly.
Take my situation, for instance. About six years ago, the woman who would become my wife asked me out. I wouldn't have known she was interested in me "in that way" unless she had.
We were friends and had been for three years. We'd each had other relationships in those times and both knew it.
Then, one day, she asked if I wanted to go have a drink...just us. Now, did this take some intestinal fortitude on her part? Damn straight it did. If I'd said "no" to that drink, then I'm sure she'd have felt like a bit of a fool. But, she was willing to risk that by putting at least a little pride on the line to see if there was a connection to be made.
The thing is, my wife never pretended to be someone she wasn't back then. She wasn't fake or desperate, she didn't try to rush things or make them complicated, but by asking me to go have a drink - just us - she let me know that she saw something more worth exploring.
After that drink (many, many drinks as it turned out) I agreed, and now, we have an 18 month old!
So who pushes for more from a "friend" relationship? Simple...the person who wants more. If that's you, don't be afraid to do so. Just be honest and be yourself.
I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen? Your intended could be uninterested in moving your relationship to a romantic level and you'll feel like a dingus for a while. Is that really so bad?
In short, you are in at least 50% control of the relationships you form with guys. If you don't like the direction one is heading, YOU have the power to do something about it. So, do it.
The entire concept of this blog is flawed/and or incorrect. There is no such thing as a "friend zone" with men. Men are ONLY, repeat ONLY friends with women we find attractive and want to date. Period. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar and has no spine. We may not want to MARRY you, but certainly have physical relations with you. Women, on the other hand, use men like a "penis on a shelf" where they just toy with our emotion, string us along, and put us in a "friend zone" where we are good enough to complainn about the man you are giving it up to, but not good enough for you to give it up to us. As soon as a man in the "friend zone" gets serious-all the stupid women in his past come rushing back into his life for fear they are losing one of their specimens on a shelf. I'm 36, married twice. I know this as universal truth in the USA.
Sharkey McShark - I apologize for the delay in posting your comment. Blogging is a past time of mine and I do not always get to check my blog.
That being said, I appreciate your feedback. I write from my own experiences and from conversations with friends. Each person has their own experience and own perception. I will definitely share your words with the ladies. Thanks again!
In response to the Anonymous poster: If it were this black and white, I wouldn't have material to write about. As I said to the other comment, I write from my own experiences as well as from conversations from friends.
Not all women toy with men's emotions, nor do we string them along.
I appreciate your insight, though.
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